My day had taken an unexpected twist. It started annoying, difficult and challenging. The pastor kept on ranting about the goodness of God. Everything he was saying kept bouncing back and forth. I smiled back as the couple on the other pew smiled at me. The woman said to me, “Isn’t God good!” Yes, God is good. I winced hoping she didn’t catch the sarcasm in my voice. After all, we were in a very “fulfilling” fellowship with other brethren, how can God not be good?
All this time, I want to shout, scream that I don’t feel like God is good right now, but will that be appropriate? How can I tell them that I feel like God deserted me? I did everything right, I prayed (sometimes 6 hours at a stretch),I fasted, I sowed a seed and I confessed. I stayed away from sinful acts and looked unto God for “His Goodness” but what did I get in return?
What words will I use to tell them the kind of pain that is eating deep into my stomach walls and letting go! How liquid fire was raging inside me and fear was clutching itself around my ankles.
I managed to get home in one piece wondering if the woman at the church who said God is good was referring to the same God who has continually let me down majorly.
As if that was not enough, my team in church who know a little of what happened have rallied round, to pray with me. The truth is, I do not want to pray, I do not want to be around church people, another mention of God, I might just lose it. Again, I ask? How can I tell them that? Am I not a music minister? Does it mean I have backslidden? If yes, what hope is there for me?
So I chose to endure it all, I go through the torture as they pray, Again, I have to speak Christianese.”It is well”, I mutter…but really, is that what I want to be saying right now?
After a while, I fall asleep, and right there I can feel my father saying: “I know you are hurt, I hurt too, I know you want to yell at me, feel free to do so. It’s ok if you choose not to be in church for a while. I will still be with you. I am not giving up on you and in time you will realize that I love you and it is that love that makes me let you go through all that you go through”.
God desires relationship from us. This one on which all other relationships are hinged, there are no rules. It doesn’t have to be appropriate, I only need to recognize my father and go to Him no matter what it is I’m feeling. I’m hurting, I feel like you let me down. Lord I feel like sometimes, you are incapable. The truth is that God isn’t any of these things, but it doesn’t negate the fact that you and I are feeling that way.
Don’t tell me about what is appropriate or not, just let me be real and sincere. Right now, I need to be a child and I need my father to hold me close. He can take all the heat. Just be real, come out clean.